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The lessons learned from my life of abuse aren't the easiest lessons to learn. It took me far to long to realize what devastation was being inflicted on me and my children. I was living for him, not for my kids. I was never allowed to be the mother I wanted to be to them, because I let him take control of that part of my life too. My kids were shoved to the side, and made to deal with his violence.
Oh, I am not on a blame game. I have forgiven myself for the choices I have made. I am only saying this to tell victims, who are still living with their abusers, to take a good look at your life. Ask yourselves, if this is the way you want your kids to remember their childhoods?
The longer a victim stays in the abusive relationship, the harder it is to leave. The abuse just continues. I like many others thought he would change, and many efforts were made to get him to change. We can't change them, and the odds are not in their favor that they will change.
I tried to survive through all kinds of support groups. I tried everything to deal with it, and found the only way I could deal with it was to get out. I had to almost completely destroy my mind before it really sunk in that things had to change.
I hope that is not the case for you if you are a victim of Domestic Violence. There is hope. I wish I would have looked for that hope long before I did. Abuse by any family member or loved one can not be tolerated. It's easy to believe we are the cause, but we are not to blame. Someone who says they love us shouldn't want to cause us pain and hurt us.
Take the steps to break the patterns and cycle that has left you in the abusive situation. This is a list of things to get you started. I use the Domestic Violence Handbook here because it is put into simple terms. Everyone needs to fit this information to you own local areas. Check with your local authorities to find out how this information fits in your own area and in your own situation.
The Cycle of Violence is an important starting point to understanding Domestic Violence.
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True Definition of Domestic Violence
Definition:
Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.
Examples of Abuse include:
* name-calling or put downs
* keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
* withholding money
* stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
* actual or threatened physical harm
* sexual assault* stalking
* intimidation
Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.
The violence takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing the warning signs listed on the "Violence Wheel."
ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.
If you are being abused, REMEMBER
* You are not alone
* It is not your fault
Help is available
Information in this section taken from the Domestic Violence Handbook
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Warning Signs
Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.
If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you:
* pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
* threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
* threatening suicide to get you to do something
* using or threatening to use a weapon against you
* keeping or taking your paycheck
* puts you down or makes you feel bad
* forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
* keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work
Taken from the Domestic Violence Handbook
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Steps to Being a Survivor
Report all abuse to the police department in your area. Report, Report, Report, This can not be spoken enough. They loose power every time they are made to face what they have done and you gain strength. You can only take control of your life when you say you are done being a victim. They must answer for the crime they have inflicted on you.
Educate yourself on all your rights. Talk to your local Law enforcement agencies and battered women's/men's shelters and find out what action you can take. They will set you with an advocate to help you through the court processes and other activities to help get you free from the abuser. Use these resources they are there to help. Make them work for your own situation.
Get out of that situation and go someplace safe. Getting out is not easy. It is the period of time when a victim is in the most danger, but it is your best chance at survival. The longer you stay the worse things get for you and your kids.
Devise a safety plan. Make a safety plan to use to get you and your kids to safety. Make sure to make copies of all important papers and put with your plan. This is very important and could make the difference to your safety, and the safety of your kids. The handbook has a great example of a Safety Plan.
Get involved in shelters and support groups. Become active in shelters and support groups. No one can understand like those who have experienced it. These people have gone through what you have, and can help you get through those periods of pain and uncertainty. It is never easy to leave these situations, but with love and support it can be made far more easier.
Get counseling to deal with the emotions and problems that result from the abuse. There is no shame in saying that you need help. Control, abuse, and the pain which goes with it must be dealt with. Go to a counselor which specializes in domestic violence or is very familiar with it at least. Make sure you understand one very important fact. You are going to a counselor to learn to deal with what has happened to you not to be punished because you did anything wrong. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It will help you become a stronger person and will help you learn to break the patterns which have lead to this place in your life.
Let knowledge lead you to you final survival. Go to the Domestic Violence Handbook and read the whole thing. Get all the information you can and learn all you can. Learn all you can! Get all the information possible, the more you know the stronger a tool you have to fight with against the abuser. Knowledge is power and freedom. You have to know the facts and learn how to protect yourself.
Take a stand against this dreadful devastating problem. Fight back by helping other victims. As one we can do many things and make a difference, but joined together we become indestructible. We all must join together to make our home and communities safe places to live and raise our families. It all begins with each of us. Helping other victims also fills you with power and strength.
I have learned to make my life better by making the choice to not allow anyone to take complete control over my life any more. I work hard every day to make sure I stick to that quest. I hope you will do the same so you can turn your turmoil into hope.
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What Everyone Can Do to Help Victims
Domestic Violence is no longer just a woman's issue. More and more men are dealing with it as our society becomes more technical and advanced. Who knows why this is happening, and at this point I am not going to speculate. The problem is there that people are dying at the hands of people who have sworn to love and care for them. It is a devastating problem for men and women. It needs to end. There are still to many victims in both genders.
Why we stay with the abuser, is the most common question to be asked in the history of Domestic Violence. The answer isn't easy to explain. Unless you are a victim you won't understand anyway. If my story didn't explain my reasons for staying, then it can't be explained. Fear is at the root of the decision to stay.
When you watch the news and hear of victims getting killed after leaving their abusers, I think it becomes pretty clear why victims stay. The public needs to take a good look at the number of people dying in these situations and begin to take a stand. Everyone in every neighborhood needs to start taking action against Domestic Violence or Family Violence. They need to report every scream in the night, every time they hear the fighting, or see a victim bleeding. They need to stop looking the other way, and make these abusers pay for their crimes.
Stop and ask the bruised, timid, victim if they need help. They may refuse, but it costs little and takes little time to make a gesture of concern. The kindness you show today, may save a life tomorrow. While people are still dying in their homes, society needs to make a stronger statement against this threat to our families.
I hope this page has opened the eyes of victims and others who live in neighborhoods around the country. I hope a clearer path has been laid and maybe if you hear enough about this problem one day it will be enough to help you make the change or take the stand needed to rid our communities of the devastation of Domestic or Family Violence.
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Protect Yourself from the Beginning
Domestic violence can be debilitating to a family and can happen to anyone, so take precautions. If you think someone is suspicious, you can perform a criminal background check online. Not everyone is who they say they are, but luckily there are resources to help us protect ourselves.
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