Verbal and Emotional Abuse

This web site has covered many topics under the title of abuse. Abuse takes many forms and effects all of us in a profound way. It becomes the way we see ourselves. For many of us we went through much effort to get past the problems within us that abuse caused us. Physical abuse or any kind of abuse has an emotional aspect to it, but verbal abuse strikes right to the heart of it's victims. In all types of abuse, verbal and emotional abuse become a means to attack us. It is many times how the abuse starts, and the physical becomes an end result of the abusers inability to feel in control. There is also those who never use physical violence to control their victims. They don't have to. The emotional state of their victim has been crushed by their words and actions towards the victim to the point that the victim becomes a puppet willing to do anything the abuser asks.

Children are put down and told they are stupid. They are treated like they are lower then dirt. Over and over again they hear words which make them feel unloved and unwanted. So they keep trying harder to be good, but always they fail. They are never good enough.

Adults are told by their mates they are useless, they are always wrong, they can not do anything right, and they are just not worth the abuser's efforts. Plus many other things are said and done. (See links below for complete lists of the harmful symptoms which destroy the mental and emotional states of those who suffer from it.)

This is the type of abuse which hurts most. It confuses us, because we think, "I am not abused he or she never hits me." We are told we are loved and that is why we are treated this way. We are told we need to fix what is wrong with us. These are mind games of people who want to control those who may not be strong enough to fight back. Those who fall victims to this, for the most part, are those which the abuser feels is weak. These are people and kids who need to know and feel they are loved. These victims search for this love and appreciation and will do whatever they can to earn the love of the person abusing them emotionally and mentally.

If a child or an adult always hear words of put down, they will never be built up. They can't feel good about themselves when those they love keep saying how bad they are and what they are doing wrong. Positive words reap positive results. Negative words reap negative results.

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Signs of Emotional or Verbal Abuse in Children

Child's Behavior:
Appears overly compliant, passive, undemanding; Appears very anxious or depressed; Attempts suicide; Avoids doing things with other children; Behaves younger than his or her age; Finds it difficult to make friends; Is extremely aggressive, demanding or enraged; Lags in physical, emotional, and intellectual development; Is very demanding or very obedient; Behaves very adult-like; Wets or soils the bed.

Caretaker's Behavior:
Blames or belittles child; Is cold and rejecting; Withholds love; Treats siblings unequally; Seems unconcerned about child's problems.

Taken from Emotional Verbal Abuse/ Child Abuse an Overview. Also visit Safe Child/Emotional Abuse and Verbal Abuse

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Verbal Abuse in Adult Relationships
Seven Signs You're In A Verbally Abusive Relationship

1. He seems irritated or angry with you several times a week. When you ask why he's mad, he either denies it or tells you it's in some way your fault.

2. When you feel hurt and try to talk with him, the issues never get resolved. He might refuse to discuss your upset feelings by saying "You're just trying to start an argument!" or claiming he has no idea what you're talking about.

3. You frequently feel frustrated because you can't get him to understand your intentions.

4. You're upset—not so much about concrete issues like how much time to spend together, but about communication: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.

5. You sometimes think, "What's wrong with me? I shouldn't feel so bad."

6. He seems to take the opposite view from you on almost everything, and his opinion isn't stated as "I think," but as if you're wrong and he's right. 7. You can't recall saying "Cut it out!" or "Stop it!"

7 You can't recall saying "Cut it out!" or "Stop it!"

Taken from Verbal Abuse: How to Save Yourself Adapted from The Verbally Abusive Relationship © 1992, 1996 by Patricia Evans. Printed with permission from Adams Media.

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Other Facts about Verbal Abuse

The following phrases are responses from victims of verbal abuse which clearly define their experiences with this type of abuse.

There are many categories of verbal abuse. They encompass a variety of behaviors that will be easily recognizable by those experiencing them. They include:

Withholding: If there is a relationship, then there must be an exchange of information. Simply put, withholding is a choice one partner makes to keep virtually all one's thoughts, feelings, opinions, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward the other partner. The verbal abuser may go for months without attempting to engage his partner in meaningful interaction.

Jokes: This type of abuse is not done in jest. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes often refer to the feminine nature of the partner, to her intellectual abilities, or to her competency. It cuts to the quick, touches the most sensitive areas, and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph.

Trivializing: Trivializing says, in so many words, that what you have done or expressed is insignificant. This type of abuse is often difficult to detest as it can be very subtle. One is left feeling depressed and frustrated but isn't quite sure why. Nothing you say or do is important or meaningful. Little heed is paid to your comments or suggestion.

Judging and criticizing: Usually this type of verbal abuse carries a judgmental tone. Remarks and comments that negate or discount a partner's feelings are: "The trouble with you is...."; "You're never satisfied...."; You're too sensitive.."; "You don't know what you're talking about..."

Blocking and Diverting: This category of verbal abuse specifically controls interpersonal communication. The abuser may refuse to communicate, establishes what can be discussed and determines when the conversation is finished. Examples of blocking are: "You think you know it all;" "That's a lot of bunk;" "Just drop it;" "Who asked you?"; "Where did you get a stupid idea like that?", etc.

A more complete List of Warning Signs of Emotionally Abusive Relationships.

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A Couple of Points on Emotional Abuse

One thing I have discovered through my own experience with verbal and emotional abuse, and the research pretty much confirmed it, they are terms used to describe the same thing, and all are a part of the control issue of abuse. Emotional abuse is the result of all the forms of abuse. Emotional abuse is usually the beginning which goes on along with other types of abuse. Verbal abuse is words and is the basis of emotional abuse. Both lead to the low self-esteems, and make a person feel less then human. It is mental torture.

The emotional abuse is considered by many to be a process of brainwashing and makes the victims believe what they are told about themselves. It is a manipulation of the mind. The concept of brainwashing occurs in all forms of ongoing abuse. Learn more at The Process of Brainwashing.

I would urge all who are in relationships and may think they are victims of emotional abuse to click on the following link and answer the questions. It won't take that long and you may find out something interesting about your own relationship. It will be worth your time. Just remember one thing. Any type of abuse is wrong. The links on this page also offer resources to help. You have the right to be happy and be treated with love, respect and kindness. Take this Test and fill out the Emotional Abuse Checklist.

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