|
There is a child huddled in the corner as they watch, yet again, as Mommy gets beat up. Daddy is on a rampage and hiding is the best way for this child to stay safe. The pain the child feels is tremendous and, this child knows that little attention will be gained as Mommy quickly gets the child in bed so she can rest and heal her wounds. She tries the best she can. After an attack, little is left of her to give a child. Daddy is too mad to deal with the child so another night of pain continues in this child's young life. Mommy will heal, and the war will rage again. When Daddy isn't mad, things are good, but he is mad a lot. so the pain continues.
Mommy is going crazy again and Daddy doesn't want to fight back. He always holds back and lets mommy beat him up. He is just not a violent man, and mommy is so crazy he can do nothing but take what she dishes out. He loves Mommy and refuses to abandon his child. So, the child takes what is left and given out of love. The child knows Daddy loves him/her, but he is so upset because of what Mommy does to him that there is just not much left for the child. This child cries in the dark and waits until this storm passes. When Mommy and Daddy aren't fighting anymore things will be good, but Mommy gets mad a lot. Daddy will heal from his wounds, and the war will rage again.
This child wonders what he/she did again to make Mommy or Daddy so mad. Another night of pain or neglect. Another night of wishing this child could make everything right again. Another night of wishing it would stop. Another night of doing without the love the child deserves, instead of the abuse and neglect that has been going on so long. Nothing this child does is good enough and violence and neglect are all they get for the child's efforts in trying to do it right. Nothing every makes their abusive parent happy.
These are but three scenarios of the pain a child goes through of living in a violent home. These are not all of them, but represent the abuse involved in Domestic Violence and Child Abuse. There are many aspects of Family Violence, and they all affect these children in much the same way. Children living in violent homes, no matter who the victim is, suffers a form of abuse. Abuse to their minds and emotions is the worst kind.
The children living in violent homes are suffering. They are watching Mommy or Daddy being abused; they see other family members get abused, such as siblings; or they themselves are being abused. They are learning to either become the abuser or continue to be a victim. Oh yes, whether they are being abused or not, they are victims. They see violence all around them, and they are neglected of attention they deserve because others in the house take it from them. The home is centered around violence, and the abuser whatever gender or relationship the person happens to be to the child. It all reaps the same rewards. Violence in the home teaches our children to either be victims or abusers.
Harsh words the visitor may think. I am expressing this because as a victim of abuse myself I have seen much of these reflected in my own growing up and that of both of my children. I carried and passed on the legacy of victimization to my children, and my ex-husband passed on the legacy of violence. This caused my children to act out many times, and I know this has affected their relationships as being young adults. I am not proud of this fact and want to see a stop come to this devastating destroyer of our children. I want everyone to take the action necessary to put a stop to violence in the home. I want to see the cycle broken. (The next section will go into more detail on this issue.)
This page will deal with many ideas about ending the abuse and make a stronger effort to get victims to get out of their abusive situations. The kids are the biggest motivation we have to make changes in our lives and homes. There have been links added from various sources which contain articles dealing with this subject. New ones are found almost daily and it is hard to keep up with them all. Please, search the Internet and learn more about the issues mentioned on this page.
Back to Top
|
Holding Parents Accountable
For the Pain Their Children Suffer
Oh boy! What a strong statement that is for the title of this section. It may make many victim's of violence take offense. I urge the visitor, if you are a victim, to hear me out before you get upset by the comments made by this title. I am sure you may not agree with me on everything I say, but you will understand my reasoning in this crucial matter.
We know that violence in the home holds more responsibility for juvenile crime then do other problems these children may have. We also know that many children who grow up in violent homes become abusers or victims themselves. Knowing this we need to look at ways to stop this if at all possible. Putting a complete end to this problem will not happen in my life time, I am sure, but we can certainly put a dent in it. In order to do this, we all need to take a certain amount of the responsibility. In this section we will focus on the responsibility of the parents, both abusers and victims.
We make choices to marry a person, and then this marriage produces children. These children had no choice in the marriage aspect, and did not asked to be born into whatever situation results from violence or any other problem. We, as parents, have a responsibility to keep these children safe. The home we made for them should be a safe and secure place that they can feel comfortable in while living out their childhood being loved.
As a victim of both Domestic Violence and Child abuse I understand the feelings these children exhibit. This further increases my awareness into the role I played in damaging my children's childhoods, and the way they deal with relationships now as young adults. My living in an abusive relationship for 18 years caused problems that will never be solved in the minds of my children. They missed the best parts of their childhoods, and our home was far from the safe and secure place it should have been. I do wish people would have taken the time to teach me what I am trying to teach everyone here. I wish the community would have taken the action I was too weak to take, but I can't go back. I can only share the benefit of what I have learned.
I believe that victims do have a great deal of fear attached to their lives. I know this from my own experience. I am not expecting them to take actions that could harm them or the children. I know what they face in trying to get help and safety. I also know many services exist to help. I know it is hard, but the children need to be their reason for making things happen. I encourage all victims to take a stand for your children who never asked to be placed in this situation. They deserve a life free from violence, and a home that feels safe.
There is a growing awareness of the overlap of Domestic Violence and Child Abuse. This remains a fact that most victims fail to want to deal with, but one they must begin to accept. What happens when the abuser lashes out at the child you have been sworn to protect? In my case, I left at that point, but it took this event to get me out. After leaving him, I was made aware of other abusive incidents to my daughter when I wasn't home. I should have gotten out before it ever happened. I wish no other parent the pain and guilt that goes along with this fact. It is one I face, and is part of the motivation behind this web site and this page.
The abuser (male or female) brings violence into the home and teaches this to the children as a way to handle problems. They teach kids that to bully someone gives you power. To abuse means you have control over others. It makes you feel strong and you can deal with the guilt by blaming the victim. This path is one many children will follow and take into adult relationships. Girls and boys both learn this as an appropriate behavior. This is why both are known to grow up and abuse their spouses. This cycle continues on through many generations because no one takes the initiative to change their behaviors.
The victim continues to deal with the abuse and over compensating for the abuser's actions. We minimize their effects on us and our families. We justify their actions and hide the abuse. We fail to get authorities involved and ask for the help that could save our families. We do this out of fear and love. We say we love this person who abuses us, and we think they are capable of changing. We want to make it work and keep our families in tact. We tell our extended families and friends that we are OK. As we do these things, we teach our children that violence is OK. We teach them to give into the violence and refuse to fight back using the services there to help us. We teach them to cower and live a victim's life. We teach them that they don't deserve happiness because we didn't. Oh we don't say these things, but our actions do the teaching for us.
These are passed on to our children making another generation of abusers and victims. It is a legacy of pain. We are continuing the threat of Family Violence by not doing something to stop it. Oh, we tell our kids not to end up like us. We say this right after we just took a beating. Children learn more by action then words. Their mind sets have already registered the actions they witnessed. When they least expect it, they will walk down the same road we did. Do you think, I am over exaggerating? My daughter has had a violent boyfriend. The relationship only lasted a short time, but it happened none the less. It caused more damage and made her realize how easy these relationships are to get into. I know this from my own experience.
Back to Top
|
More on Accountability
Think about how easy it is to become a victim. It happens before you really have time to think of a reaction. You may have seen signs, but love blinded you to them. It is easy to become a victim and abusers seem to pick out people they see as being an easy target. Someone with a history of living in a violent home makes the best targets of all. Most likely they will become victims without much of an effort. If they saw Mom or Dad get abused, then it must be OK to let this man/woman abuse me. This is in their minds even if they are unaware of it. It is deep rooted there from what they have witnessed, and the abuser knows how to release it.
We as victims are better understood and can make a better impact once we have released ourselves from the situation. Then we are sending the message that violence isn't OK, and we have a right to get out when things appear not to get any better. We have a right to live in a safe environment free from abuse and control. We teach it is not right for one person to control another human being. It sure makes more sense to tell our kids not to live in that type of situation when we no longer live in it. We try to instill what we learned once we finally do get out. This has a much better chance of changing our children's view points on violence then living in it does. There is still a risk that our children will experience some kind of abuse in their adult lives. Much of that depends on how long the kids were exposed to the violence. The sooner the break from the violent person is accomplished, the better chances the kids have of not becoming abusers or victims themselves.
I may sound like I am trying to drive certain points home pretty strongly, but it is only because I care about these kids. Even the mental side of abuse impacts the kids. It effects the attitudes of these kids, and they use the same mind games they watch abusers use. Many victims will tell you that the mental abuse is worse then the physical. Well, it is for the kids as well. They are on an emotional treadmill without a way off. The victim can't be there completely for the kids when trying to deal with the mind games of an abuser. The way the victim deals with the kids is greatly effected by the mental abuse they suffer from the abuser.
The other areas of Family Violence, teen violence, violence against siblings, sexual assault, violence against parents, child abuse, etc., all can be dealt with in much the same way. Whoever the abuser happens to be, and what relationship they hold in the family, matters little. The abuse needs to be dealt with; the victim and all other members of the family need to be protected; the abuser needs to be removed from the home and gotten the help they need; and finally, it needs done before wrong patterns are developed and disaster strikes. To many deaths happen as a result of family violence for it not to be taken seriously. The end result of Family Violence can be seen in Shane's Memorial. I want everyone to take responsibility before a tragedy like that happens in their own homes.
I would like to take a moment to say something on the problem of Child Abuse. Of all the Family Violence issues this one makes the least sense to me. This comes even though I was a victim myself. Whether it is an over lap of Domestic Violence, or it is the only abuse happening in the home it really irritates me. I believe these kids should not remain in the home at all until it is clear that violence is no longer a threat. I believe this should happen even if the abuse hasn't physically happened yet to the child. Leaving them in the home where violence is a part of life puts them in harms way. I also believe that even if it hasn't been directed at them yet, they are being neglected by being denied the right to live in a home that is safe and secure. This to me is abuse. I am also guilty of it, and am doing my best to make it right by helping other's understand. If I
can declare this to the world, other victims can as well.
Yes, I mean that even for Domestic Violence cases. The reasons I believe this is quite clear.
(1) The child needs to be made safe.
(2) The child abuser needs help and getting it should happen without the temptation to revert back to old habits.
(3) If Domestic Violence is the case, it is preventative and gives the victim a very important motivation to leave.
(4) No abuse of a children or threat of abuse should be acceptable to anyone.
(5) Children should be a priority and should be able to view the home as a safe and loving place.
Looking just at number (3) for a minute. I wish someone would have taken my kids from the home earlier or even made the threat to take them clear to me. Believe me, it would have gotten me out and away from my abuser a whole lot quicker. This may seem harsh, but these kids are worth the effort if we will save them from becoming abusers, victims of abuse, living lives in prison, or being dead. It may seem harsh, but the results of doing nothing are much more harsh.
The best advice I can give to anyone who suffers from abuse is to get out and report every attack to you or your kids. Teach your kids that violence is wrong. If you do a violent act, you go to jail. Lets work to help the kids and make them safe.
Back to Top
|
What Everyone Can Do to Help These Children
As much as I know, the problems begin in the home and can best be dealt with there. There is a responsibility everyone within the community must take part in. I have spent much time in the above section working to convince victims to take a stand. Now I am urging the community to do the same. The authorities need to move in and take action.
Police need to answer every call and press the charges when victims are to weak to do so.
The Children Service organizations need to get involved. Police should call them at the first sign and knowledge of violence in any home.
Neighbors need to report when they hear the screams, and see the bruises.
School officials should watch close for the signs of abuse or violence in a child's home life. Watch the actions of the children while in school, and report everything to proper authorities.
Courts need to recognize the threat to kids who live in Domestic Violent homes.
Doctors need to report injuries that have no other explanation but abuse to authorities especially if they are told of the fact that abuse exists.
Everyone needs to get involved if the threat will ever be gotten rid of. Our children suffer from our choices, and our communities need to give the victims the strength and encouragement to do the right thing. Our children are worth every effort to keep them safe and secure.
|
|
