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My Story



Family Violence has been a part of my life for more of my life then most other situations I have found myself involved. Long before I married my abuser, the patterns were being formed. My childhood started me on the road to abuse and kicked me into submission.

An abused child, becomes an abused teenager, and becomes an abused wife. The patterns were formed. It took many years for me to put all of this into it's proper perspective and find the road that lead me out of a life of turmoil through abuse. I did it, and so can anyone else who is willing to look at the patterns they have formed: accept the choices that has been made as a result: make the decision to get out before the pit gets any deeper: and break the cycle.

This page looks at the different time periods of my life dealing with abuse. Then tells the visitor about my health problems, and where I am at right now. I will be as brief as I can and still be clear important issues pertaining the abuse I suffered, and how I came to be the owner of a website which deals with so many issues. Please check out the links on the links page, and I am sure there is something there which will help you.

I hope this page will help victims, and the community understands this problem from a victim's point of view. I hope it will encourage victims to leave the situation before it is to late. I also, hope those who aren't suffering themselves will be encouraged to lend support and help to those who are still suffering from the devastation of Domestic Violence.

Feel free to E-mail me with your stories or any other things you would like to share. My E-mail link appears at the bottom of every page.

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My Story of Pain and Struggle

My Life represents the title of this web site "Turmoil Leads to Hope." Turmoil has been the one word that would best suite my life of pain and struggle. This is how the title of this web site came into being. Thank God, I learned how to turn my turmoil into hope.

My life began in turmoil. My mother had mental problems, and my dad was a hard worker who loved the ladies. One night of fun turned into a disaster. He had kids from another marriage, and she had a child form a previous relationship. Another child was the last thing anyone wanted. I was the unwanted brat that disrupted everyone's lives. After 2 years of constant fighting, they divorced, and I went to live with my mother.

Life with mother was a nightmare of fighting and constant chaos. The screaming and yelling would get so bad I would go hide under the bed. Her and my brother would fight constantly. For a while my dad's visits helped with the pain I was suffering, but she put a stop to that when I was 8 years old.

She never hit me or beat me. My abuse took the forms of shouting matches, mental torture by blaming me for the divorce, lack of food and medical care, and keeping me from things that gave me pleasure. It would take many years for me to realize what this really did to the small child I was. Many of the health problems I have now are directly related to her neglect. This was child abuse no matter how one looks at it. I remained sick all the time and would just lay in a bed and suffer. I found only a few years ago that I had Rheumatic Fever when I was about 4 years. If not for my dad, I would have laid in my bed and died. She refused to take me to the hospital or to doctors claiming they would not take care of me only make me worse. The Rheumatic Fever has left me with heart problems and many other problems.

After keeping me out of school for a straight two months and boarding up the house to keep light and people out, they took me out of the home and placed me with my Aunt, Nancy. She raised me until I was 18. Living with my aunt was great, but the abuse didn't stop. When I was 15, a family friend wanted to touch my breast, and out of fear I let him. It had first begun as just looking, but grew to touching after just a couple of days. After I went home, I told my aunt. What a mistake! I was told I was lying and had to go apologize to guy who had done this to me. I learned then that to tell wasn't good. This probably made keeping secrets so easy for me. From then until many years into my marriage, I was either hiding the abuse or minimizing it's seriousness.

At 18 I was in an abusive relationship with a boy who beat me, and the relationship didn't end until he sodomized me. I didn't report the sodomy. I figured nobody would believe me anyway, so why bother. I just left it alone and buried it in my mind until many years later in counseling when it finally it came out.

Well so far the pattern seems to just keep going and each time it just increases in severity. It continues to do so until the fateful day I married the man who would abuse me for 18 years of marriage. On August 17, 1981, I married the man that would make the next 18 years a nightmare. Some of those years were worse then others, but the control and mental abuse never slowed much.

During my marriage I was beaten, strangled, pushed down steps, hit in the stomach while pregnant, had objects thrown at me, and much more. I have had many injuries to my back, neck, hands, knees, face, head, legs, arms, stomach, etc. There is not much of my body that hasn't been injured by his abuse. I never went to the hospital, and only had him arrested twice in the entire 18 years we were married.

I was isolated from family and friends, not allowed to go anywhere without a time limit, had to account for every penny spent, had to keep the house spotless, take care of the kids, and give him most of the attention. I am sure there was more, but you get the idea I am sure.

The violence was the worst earlier in the marriage while his drinking was at its peek. For 11 years of the marriage the violence was almost constant. After he quit drinking it slowed down, but the control over me was still his. I tried to break free from his control, but always came back. I left him a total of 8 times in 18 years. The 8th was the final one. He had begun abusing my daughter, and that was the final act which pushed me out the door. Abusing me was bad enough, but I wasn't going to let him abuse her.

I left and never looked back, but life still was hard. He didn't make life easy for me at all, but most of the problems were directed at my daughter. For 2 years he pushed at my daughter verbally and made things really hard for her. Finally, it was over I was divorced.

I actually was married to him 20 years and lived with him 18, but I have a tendency to want to avoid saying that. Once I walked out the door that final time, I was divorced in my heart. It was over for good, and I had finally put an end to the abusive life I had lead for so long.

After leaving him, life was still no picnic. His mental badgering of my daughter caused her to turn to drugs and alcohol. So for 2 years after we left, the problems were redirected from putting up with his abusive nature to dealing with an out of control teenager.

I, however, am not totally blameless here either. My daughter's bout with drugs and alcohol was just as much my fault. I was in yet another controlling relationship which kept me away from dealing with my children on the proper level they deserved. No physical abuse occurred in this relationship, but the control was there just the same. I was so mentally needy at the time; it was easy for him to get a hold of me. I was starting down the road of Multiple Sclerosis too at the time. I just wasn't sure what it was yet. The problem was that my kids had to pay the heaviest price for yet another bad choice. I finally did abandon that relationship after three years, and being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

I do not regret leaving the man I was married to for so long or getting out of the relationship that followed the marriage. The best things which came out of that marriage were my two kids. The other relationship gave me the ability to understand just how easy a person can take control of us. It also, showed me how careful I really need to be if I am to break the cycle. Everyday I am grateful to have the ability to live my life as I choose. Oh, I have medical problems, but can still say how to spend my money and basically do what I want as I am able.

My getting out was the necessary step to begin dealing with these damaging patterns. It is hard to break patterns while you are still in a damaging relationship which is the culmination of these patterns. Once in the pit of turmoil, it just seemed to keep getting deeper. I had lived my life like that for so long it seemed impossible to change, but I did it. Thank God, I finally did it.

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My Health: Another Nightmare

Having my children was not easy, and many times I wondered how they even managed to get here. God had to be involved. No other reason could ever explain it better. My son was an easy birth, but the miscarriage, and the birth of my daughter were far from easy. I about bled to death with the miscarriage, and Rachel was a very hard birth.

A few years after the Rachel was born an uncontrollable infection about killed me, and I had to have a Hysterectomy. Then after that it was a Lumpectomy, and many foot surgeries. It seemed I was constantly having one problem after another.

These were minor issues compared to the problems which occurred later on. In 2000, I had two heart attacks. Later finding out the problem is with a valve not working right in my heart resulting from having Rheumatic Fever earlier in life.

To date on top of the heart problem I have Asthma, Arthritis, Acid Reflux, Multiple Sclerosis, and Fibromyalgia. The last one is the most recent problem.

I am now totally disabled as a result of diseases ravaging my body, and the future does not prove to be much better then the present.

People often ask me how I could keep going in the midst of all that has happened to me. It is really simple. God has always seemed to have a protective hand on me. I was raised with this belief and found it to be the only thing that explains my survival.

There are still others who have been through more than I have and remain able to keep going. I have learned to share my problems with those who have dealt with the same problems as mine. With support and love, a person stands a better chance of making their lives better. The get the strength they need to fight the battles life wages against them. We all win when we take time to share our troubles with others who understand how we feel. This is the reason why this web site has been created and keeps growing.

Now my biggest battle is against a disease. Multiple Sclerosis is the monster attacking me. I fail to let it take control over my life though. I stay busy with the computer to help me deal with the problems it throws at me. I may spend a lot of time down in bed and have very little use of legs, but as you can see through this web site, I stay vital and productive. Thank God they managed to invent this contraption we call a computer. It certainly keeps me happy.

I will continue working with this web site to expand and make all information I can available to visitors while adding art and beauty along the way.

We must always remember to look at the good around us and within us. Our problems can be minimized and out lives are richer for the experience. Share your stories with me by E-mailing me or signing my guest book.

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My Life Now

My life now is better then ever. I am in a great relationship with someone who really cares about me. He not only loves me, but is also my caregiver. He takes care of everything I can no longer do for myself.

My kids are all grown and working on building their own lives. They both work and enjoy what life has to offer them. They have grown into really wonderful adults. I am proud of how they turned out considering the life they had growing up in the madness of a violent home.

My health is no better. I still struggle with major pain and problems constantly, but I am a survivor. What doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger.

I stay busy on the web site and my computer. As long as I have breath and am able, this web site will be here to support and offer hope to victims of all forms abuses and tragedies. This is my purpose in life.



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Turmoil Leads to Hope was founded on February 1, 2000. Copyright Becky Knouff 2000-2008. This site complies with C.O.P.P.A. standards and rules. Current design by Becky Knouff, becky188@gmail.com. Html coding done by Becky Knouff with the help and support of Tim Colvin at Mightor Industries, Inc. Site can be viewed at 800 by 600 pixels or 1028 by 768 pixels. It works in IE, Firefox, and Netscape browsers.

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